Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Writer's Wednesday - showing vs telling

I've taken up Allie Boniface's challenge for this week's Writer's Wednesday - "Show, don't tell."

"Can you change [the following sentences] from telling to showing? Good luck, and thanks for stopping by!

#1. Sherry was sick and tired of her boss’s advances, and she told him as much one night after work.
#2. Kendra and Bill took the path that led away from the house. They agreed that although it might be dangerous, they needed to investigate the child’s disappearance without the police following them."

So here are my revisions:

#1 The lift doors opened. Sherry scanned the reception area; so far so good. She rushed towards the doors with her head down.
"Sherry? Can I have a word?" Her boss appeared from behind a pillar.
Her heart sunk. "Can we make it fast? I have to get home."
He leaned in towards her, voice low. "I was hoping that you'd have a few drinks with me, the night's still young after all."
Sherry took a step back. Her hands trembled as she hugged her handbag to her chest. "Brian I can't. Sorry."
Brian took her by the arm and drew her closer to him. His face shone with sweat. "Sherreee, just one drink. Then I'll leave you alone." He smiled winningly.
Sherry pulled back roughly and stared him down, drawing herself to her full height. "I don't know how many times I can turn you down until you get the message. You're making me uncomfortable."

#2 Kendra motioned to Bill. "Let's get out of here." They made their way through the overgrown garden.
"I'm not sure about this." Bill absentmindedly chewed his fingernails.
Kendra kicked a root underfoot. "I know. But we need to find out what happened to Jessica."
"She left Molly behind. That's her favourite doll, Kendra! No way would she leave without her." The rusty gate to the road creaked loudly as they opened it.
"Shh!" Kendra looked behind them to the house. "Do you think they heard us?" The police car was parked by the pavement.
Bill shook his head, pale. "They'll be interviewing Jess' parents for a while yet I reckon. Come on, let's head down to the park before they see us. We might find out what happened to her there."

4 comments:

Judy said...

I liked your take on Allie's challenge. RE: #2. I get the sense in yours that Bill and Kendra are kids. Are they? If so... what a great way of looking at it, and what a tremendous idea for a kids book.

btw, mine are up as well.

This was fun. I hope Allie does it again.

hellojed said...

Hi Judy,

Thanks for your lovely feedback! I did see Bill and Kendra as kids but I wasn't sure if I was being obtuse, so it's good to hear that you picked up on that.

I really liked your take on the challenges too, especially your boss character who just jumped out of the page at me. Great to see different ideas come from the same source.

Beccy said...

I really want to know what happened to Jessica.

Allie Boniface said...

Great job with both of them. Like #2 especially. Thanks for playing!