Mistake

Unfortunately after my positive start yesterday morning I started worrying about my situation. Reading about the editing process made me realise that I have a lot more to do than I originally hoped, and that three months just wasn't going to cut it.

Was reading up on editing techniques an excuse for avoiding my first draft? Procrastination has always got me down. What if I can never pick up the bloody stack of paper?

Would I be able to do a good job when the time came? I'm still not sure if I'm a good writer. And equally unsure if I could take the criticism when the time comes.

And at my lowest point I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. This time last year I was comfortable to be at home and excited about finally knuckling down and writing. But the pressure I had heaped on myself felt too great.

I felt lonely in the flat by myself with no-one to tell me what to do next and how to do it. I had to figure it out on my own but wasn't sure I could.

The minute the Ours came through the door I had a little cry. Luckily he always knows the right thing to say. It was just the FEAR. Whatever happens we can sort it out together.

I had a long sleep last night and, feeling better, read more of Sol Stein. Now I'm going for a walk. Life is good again.

Duh

I walked to work and back - didn't drown! Result!

My mood has suddenly improved, and so has my outlook for the next few months.

Now I reckon that the rewrite will go well.

When I think back to what I've written, character dialogue suddenly spools into my head, light but massy, witty but profound. (Or maybe you've just stopped taking your medication? Shut up it's ART!) Needless to say I immediately get all excited about the whole shebang.

I just got everything out in the first draft, I think. This time I'll have a chance to add colour and texture to the stories, deepen the character's personalities, research my themes a little more.

Then again I often get ideas for posts when I'm out and about, and each word jumps into place without effort or fuss. Congratulating myself I head home, only sit in front of my computer and hear the voice in my head say: "Duuuuhhhhhh..."

We shall see. But I'm glad that the cloud over my head has shrunk slightly.

Flummoxed

Still plugging away at Solutions for Writers by Sol Stein - but my mind keeps wandering off to other things. He's a good writer no doubt and his subject matter is relevant to me but the urge to skip a few pages is sometimes irresistible.

Perhaps it's because I'm not yet in the writing mindset? Or maybe, when he talks about good beginnings for example, I wonder about the decency of mine and start worrying a little?

The obvious solution to these heart flutters is to read my first draft already, jaysus, get your arse in gear woman. But that scares me too much at the moment. Having a job can be annoying but at least I'm putting off the day when I actually read what I've come out with.

I know I'm going to be flummoxed by how much work I have to do, whether it's rewriting whole scenes or tightening sloppy parts. There is at least one story that I'll have to dump and start again as it just doesn't fit.

I'm not a great reviewer. At college, research and writing was relatively painless. Reading over the bloody thing was torture. In exams I'd have to grip the sides of my desk to stop me from walking out too early.

Hopefully when the Big Edit day dawns my logical side will kick in and give me a good talking too about practice and patience - as I'll probably be frantically searching the job sites.

Thank you

Thank you very, very much for your responses to my rewriting queries and subsequent wobble. You've all been incredibly supportive and helpful, and for that I am very grateful.

I'm now over my fit of insecurity and am looking forward to the next stage. There is no way that worrying about it will help - I just have to have faith that I can produce something of which I am proud.

But until then I will focus on my course and take full advantage of my writing break!